Linux Cubed Series 8: LINUX Games/Linux Cubed Series 8 - LINUX Games.iso/games/fortune-.tar/fortune-/fortune/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick

Text File | 1995-10-19 | 172KB | 6,377 lines

          1/2
     /\(3)
     |     2              1/3
     |    z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e   )
     |
    \/ 1

The integral of z squared, dz
From 1 to the square root of 3
    Times the cosine
    Of 3 PI over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e
%
       (1/2)
    / 3
    |       2         3 x 3.14            (1/2)
    |      z dz  cos (--------)   =  ln(e     )
    / 1             9

The integral, from one to root three,
Of z to the second dz,
    Times the cosine
    Of 3 pi over nine
Is the log of the third root of e.
%
    12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4)                  2
    ----------------------  +  5(11)  =  9  +  0
          7

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
    Divided by seven,
    Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
%
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
    Told her Tante Louise
    That her cunt smelled like cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
    Saw a man come along
    And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
    But another, more sane,
    Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
    Because during the day
    She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
%
A beautiful lady named Psyche
Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
    One thing about Ike
    The lady can't like
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
%
A beetling young woman named Pridgets
Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
    Off the end of a wharf
    She once pushed a dwarf
Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
    When she swiveled about
    Even strong men cried out,
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
%
A bisexual chap name of Lunt
Taught himself an unusual stunt.
He could peel back his spout
Turn the skin inside out
Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
%
A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
    Deceived his good wife
    For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
%
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
    "The height of my folly
    Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."
%
A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
    But she read science fiction
    And died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
        -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
%
A busy young lady named Gloria
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
    And then by six men,
    Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
%
A cabin boy on an old clipper
Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
    He plugged up his ass
    With fragments of glass
And thus circumcised his old skipper.
%
A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
    With his date all strapped in
    He committed a sin
Without even leaving the garage.
        -- "A Boy and His Dog"
%
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
    When eased in half-way,
    The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
%
A certain young man, it was noted,
Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
    He said, "You may scoff,
    But I shan't take it off;
Underneath I am horribly bloated."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
    Shows his organs at large
    For a small handling charge
To assist him in paying the rent.
%
A certain young sheik of Algiers
Said to his harem, "My dears,
    Though you may think it odd of me,
    I'm tired of just sodomy
Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
%
A chap down in Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
    But the sweetness of pitch
    Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
%
A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
    Decided one day
    That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
%
A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
Had a pussy as large as a muff.
    It had room for both hands
    And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
%
A clergical student named Simms
Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
    A nice piece of ass
    Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
All the others get Anglican hymns.
%
A clerical student named Pryne
Through pain sought to reach the divine:
    He wore a hair shirt,
    Quite often ate dirt,
And bathed every Friday in brine.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
    On the twenty-third stroke
    The fuckin' thing broke
And beat both his balls to a cream.
%
A cocksucking steno named Beeman
Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
    "On my minuscule salary
     I must watch every calorie,
So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
%
A computer called Illiac4
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
    It chewed up its cards
    And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
    But this output can be
    No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
        -- Gigo
%
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
    A foot cost a quid --
    He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
%
A corpulent maiden named Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll:
    At a masquerade ball,
    Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.
%
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
    And said, "Bother the fish!
    I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
%
A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
    He said, "No, I can't fuck
    A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
    She was not oversexed,
    Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
    She was not oversexed,
    Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
A CS student named Lin
Had a prick the size of a pin
    It was no good for girls
    But just great for squirrels
Who squealed with delight with it in.
%
A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
    It was good for keyholes
    And debutantes' peeholes
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
%
A daredevil skater named Lowe,
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
    But is proudest of doing,
    Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
%
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
    She said, "It tastes nice,
    Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
%
A delighted, incredulous bride
Remarked to her groom at her side :
    "I never could quite
     Believe till tonight
Our anatomies would coincide."
%
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
    And, in his depravity,
    Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.
%
A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
    Let his third-story front,
    To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
%
A desperate spinster from Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
    And prayed to her God
    For a romp on the sod--
'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
%
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
    As quick as a glance
    He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
%
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
    She blew her vagina
    To South Carolina,
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.

A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
    They found her vagina,
    In South Carolina,
And part of her ass in Brazil.
%
A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
    But a dropout from paree
    Taught him Gamahuchee
So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
%
A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
    Wore the foreskin away
    On uncircumcised Ray,
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
%
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
    Divided by seven,
    Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
%
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace.
    To make people afraid
    He wore gloves of grey suede
And white footgear intended for tennis.
        -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
%
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
    Had achieved some reknown
    For her tone going down--
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
%
A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very, very foolish to place
    Her hand on your cock
    When it turned hard as rock,
For fear it would explode in your face.
%
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Had a long and incredible tool.
    He can use it to plow,
    Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
%
A fellatrix's healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
    Her remarkable diet
    (I suggest that you try it)
Was only her clients' emission.
%
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
    This versatile spout
    Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
%
A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
    But the high-minded fish
    Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.
%
A foolish geologist from Kissen
Just didn't know what he was missin',
    By studying rock
    And neglecting his cock,
And using it merely for pissin'.
%
A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
    When he popped her cherry,
    She made things hairy
By bleeding all over his face.
%
A gay young prince from Morocco
Made love in a manner rococco.
    He painted his penis
    To resemble a venus
And flavored his semen with cocoa.
%
A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
    And when he was done
    He labled it: son,
And filed him away on a shelf.
%
A gentleman, otherwise meek,
Detested with passion the leek;
    When offered one out
    He dealt such a clout
To the maid, she was down for a week.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A german composer named Bruckner
Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
    "Less lento, my dear,
     With your cute little rear;
I like a hot presto when muckener!"
%
A gift was delivered to Laura
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
    Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
    It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A gifted young fellow from Sparta
Was widely renowned as a farta'.
    He could fart anything
    From "Of Thee I Sing,"
To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
%
A girl camper once had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
    When she gave him his hat
    She realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
%
A girl of the Enterprise crew
Refused every offer to screw.
    But a Vulcan named Spock
    Crawled under her smock,
And now she is eating for two.
%
A girl of uncertain nativity
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
    While she sat on the lap
    Of a German or Jap,
She could sense Fifth Column activity.
%
A graduate student named Zac
Was said to be great in the sack.
    An inch of his boner
    Put girls in a coma
And two gave them epileptic attacks.
%
A greedy young lady from Sidney
Liked it in up to her kidney,
    Till a man from Quebec
    Shoved it up to her neck--
He really diddled her, didn' he?
%
A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
Once swallowed a package of seeds.
    In a month, his ass
    Was covered with grass
And his balls were grown over with weeds.
%
A guest in a household quite charmless
Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
    "If you're caught unawares
    At the head of the stairs,
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery.
    Midst screeches and howls,
    He deflowered young owls,
Which he kept in an underground aviary.
%
A habit obscene and bizarre,
Has taken a-hold of papa.
    He brings home young camels
    And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
%
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
Was caught and convicted of rape.
    To jail he did go,
    From which, to his woe
He couldn't get out with ESC.
%
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
    The thing circumsized him,
    Which rather suprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
As a lifeguard became a sensation.
    All the lady mice waved
    And screamed to be saved
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
%
A happy old hooker named Grace
Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
    It was hard for beginners
    To tell who were winners :
There were cunt hairs all over the place.
%
A hardware debugger named Court
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
    But its buffer array
    Only handled 1K,
So the port's driver cut it off short.
%
A haughty young wench of Del Norte
Would fuck only men over forty.
    Said she, "It's too quick
    With a young fellow's prick;
I like it to last, and be warty."
%
A headstrong young woman in Ealing
Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
    When quizzed why she did,
    She replied, "To be rid
Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
    At the height of the spasm
    The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
%
A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
    "Keep your prick in your pants
    Till the end of this dance--"
Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
%
A highly aesthetic young Jew
Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
    The end of his dillie
    Was shaped like a lilly,
And his balls were too utterly two!
%
A highway patrol buff named Claire,
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
    And her parts grew so hot,
    There was steam on her twat,
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
%
A horny young fellow named Reg,
Was jerking off under a hedge.
    The gardener drew near
    With a huge pruning shear,
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
%
A huge-organed female in Dallas,
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
    Was virgo intacto,
    Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
%
A joker who haunts Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
    In the midst of caresses
    He fills ladies dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
%
A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her loom.
    Anon she doth blench
    When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
%
A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
    He'd say, just for luck,
    "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
%
A lad of the brainier kind
Had erogenous zones in his mind.
    He got his sensations,
    By solving equations,
(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
%
A lad, at his first copulation,
Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
    Gyration, elation
    Throughout the duration,
I guess I'll give up masturbation."
%
A lady born under a curse
Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
    From the back she would wail
    Through a thickness of veil:
"Things do not get better, but worse."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A lady both callous and brash
Met a man with a vast black moustache;
    She cried, "Shave it, O do!
    And I'll put it with glue
On my hat as a sort of panache."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A lady from Kalamazoo
Once found she had nothing to do,
    So she sat on the stairs
    And she counted her hairs:
4,302.
%
A lady from Old Little Rock
In fidelity took little stock,
    And deserted her man
    In the streets of Japan
For a boy with a prehensile cock.
%
A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
    Said her beau, "Have no fear,
    For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.
%
A lady stockholder quite hetera
Decided her fortune to bettera:
    On the floor, quite unclad,
    She successively had
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
%
A lady was seized with intent
To revise her existence misspent.
    So she climbed up the dome
    Of St. Peter's in Rome,
Where she stayed through the following Lent.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
    "I don't mind my shins
    Being stuck full of pins,
But I fear I am coming unsexed."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
    When they asked her its size
    She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
%
A lady, while dining in Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
    Said the waiter, "Don't shout
    Or wave it about
Or the others will ask for one, too."
%
A lass at the foot of her class
Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
    She replied, "With no fuss
    You can get a B-plus,
By letting the prof pat your ass."
%
A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
After fucking his favorite female,
    Mixed Drambuie and scotch
    With the cream in her crotch
For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
%
A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
    But instead of a fine
    He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
    But the good ones I've seen
    So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%
A linguist thought it a farce
That memory space was so sparse.
    One day they increased it.
    Said he as he seized it:
"At last! Enough core for the parse".
%
A lonely young lad of Eton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
    Till he ran into a lass
    Who showed him her ass --
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
%
A lovely young diver named Nancy,
Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
    The fish of Bonaire,
    Watched her Derriere,
And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
%
A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
    The police cried, "Whatam--
    Agnificent bottom"
And slapped it as hard as they cude.
%
A lusty young maid from Seattle
Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
    Till she found a bull
    Who filled her so full
It made both her ovaries rattle.
%
A lusty young woodsman of Maine
For years with no woman had lain,
    But he found sublimation
    At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
%
A madam who ran a bordello
Put come in her pineapple jello,
    For the rich, sexy taste
    And not wanting to waste
That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
%
A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
    Whoever he climbed
    Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.
%
A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
    The horsey set rushed her,
    But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
%
A maiden who travelled in France
Once got on a train, just by chance.
    The engineer fucked her,
    The conductor sucked her,
And the fireman came in his pants.
%
A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
    Sold her stuff at the shop
    Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.
%
A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
    All the flowers looked round,
    But no horse could be found;
So he just rhododendron, of course.
%
A man was once heard to boast,
That he received a parcel by post,
    It contained, so we heard,
    A magnificent turd,
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
%
A marine being sent to Hong Kong
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
    He sailed off with a tool
    Flat and thin as a rule -
When he got there he found he was wrong.
%
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
    And the cube of its weight
    Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call...
%
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band was divine.
    Said he, "If you glue
    The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
%
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely in ruin,
    For he flirted with flirts
    Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
%
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
    She had nowhere to turn,
    So she diddled a churn,
And managed to come with the butter.
%
A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
    "How could I know, Judge?
    She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
%
A nasty old drunk in Carmel
Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
    He says, "Some don't favor
    That unusual flavor,
But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
%
A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
    When he'd diddled a while
    She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."
%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
    I learn from my spies
    He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
    I learn from my spies
    He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
    His wife was in bed
    Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.
%
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
    In twenty-eight days
    They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!
%
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
    Reads the sign o'er the head
    Of her well-rumpled bed
"The customer always comes first."
%
A novice was told by the Abbot:
"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
    While they roll in the hay
    You just stay home and pray.
You've got to get out of that habit."
%
A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
    But he made members weep
    For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.
%
A nurse motivated by spite
Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
    She launched it with ease
    On the afternoon breeze,
And watched till it flew out of sight.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
    They argued all night
    Over who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.
%
A passionate red-haired girl
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
    And her twat would get wet,
    And would wiggle and fret,
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
%
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
    To arrest his regard
    She would squat in his yard
And longingly pee in the sneaux.
%
A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
    She replied, "Why, you fool,
    With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a pin with a fish."
%
A physical fellow named Fisk
Could screw at a rate very brisk.
    So fast was his action
    The Fitzgerald contraction
Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
%
A pious old woman named Tweak
Had taught her vagina to speak.
    It was frequently liable
    To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
%
A pious young lady named Finnegan
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
    So time it aright,
    Make it last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
%
A pious young lady of Chichester
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
    And each morning at matin
    Her breast in pink satin
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
%
A playful young chemist named Byrd
Had an urge that could not be deferred.
    So to irritate Knox
    He shit in his sox,
And plastered the walls with his turd.
%
A plumber whose name was John Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
    Her resistance was stout,
    And John Brink petered out,
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
%
A potter who lived in Bombay
Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
    But the heat of his prick
    Kilned the damn thing to brick
And chafed all his foreskin away.
%
A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
    But the husband said, "No!
    It's to much.  Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor."
%
A pretty young boy known as Kevin
Was raped in a pasture by seven
    Lascivious beasts
    (Oh, those Anglican priests)
And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
    A curious mole
    Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
%
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
    She let herself go
    For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
%
A princess who lived near a bog
Met a prince in the form of a frog.
    Now she and her prince
    Are the parents of quints,
Four boys and one fine polliwog.
%
A princess who reigned in Baroda
Made her home on a purple pagoda.
    She festooned the walls
    Of her halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
%
A programmer down in Moline
Said, I'm the match for any machine.
    My secret's aversion,
    To loops and recursion,
Just acres of in-line routine.
        -- W.J. Wilson
%
A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
    They were graded and spaced
    So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
%
A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
    She cried, "I suppose
    There's no time for my clothes,
But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
%
A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
    With an unholy cry
    She whipped out her glass eye:
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
%
A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
    But she thought it was crude
    To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.
%
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
    They make love the whole day
    In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
%
A responsive young girl from the East
In bed was an able artiste.
    She had learned two positions
    From family physicians,
And ten more from the old parish priest.
%
A romantic attraction has clung
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
    "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
    That lascivious beast
Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
%
A sailor who slept in the sun,
Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
    He remarked with a smile,
    "Good grief, a sun-dial!
And now it's a quarter-past one."
%
A savvy young hooker named Gail
Got busted and lodged in the jail.
    But the jailer got hot,
    To be lodged in her twat,
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
%
A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
    She preferred it, in bed,
    To the count (so she said)
'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
%
A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
Resounded for miles upon miles.
    Said the friar, "Good gracious,
    The brother Ignatious
Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
%
A seafaring hacker named Slatey
Went to bed with a VAX/780.
    The thing's learned to swear
    With a nautical air,
And refers to its users as "matey".
%
A sex-loving coed named Bree
Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
    The joystick, she found,
    Had been fooling around
With a neighboring student's PC.
%
A silly young man from Hong Kong
Had hands that were skinny and long.
    He ate rice with his fingers--
    The taste of it lingers,
But now all his fingers are gone.
%
A slick talking pirate named Bruce
To steal code, had a plan to seduce
    An Apple II+.
    Now Bruce wears a truss
And was jailed for computer abuse.
%
A software technician from Digital
Had hardware extremely prodigical.
    It's rumoured, I hear,
    That when he was near
He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
%
A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
    She started to pout,
    Because it fell out,
But the mission was saved by re-entry.
%
A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
His moment of sexual truth.
    He'd expected to fall
    On a womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
%
A spinster in Kalamazoo
Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
    She was seized by the nape,
    And fucked by an ape,
And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."

And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
    A man with a prick
    Half as stiff and as thick
As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
%
A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
Used totoss off each night while in bed.
    Said his mother, "Dear lad,
    That's exceedingly bad--
Jump in here with your mamma instead."
%
A starship commander named Kirk
Emerged from his cabin berserk.
    He grabbed a girl yeoman
    Beneath the abdomen,
And gave her a physical jerk.
%
A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
Was having a captive, a person
    Who was not averse
    Though she had the curse,
And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
%
A structured programmer named Drew
Was intensely turned on by "goto".
    When he saw it in code
    He'd shoot off his load.
It's a good thing his shop used so few.
%
A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
    But she drained out his balls
    And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
%
A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
Went down on her beau in the garden.
    He said, "Good lord, Tess,
    Don't swallow that mess!"
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
%
A systems programmer named Sprotic
Found his software intensely erotic.
    In jealous distress
    He wiped his OS.
It's possible that he's psychotic.
%
A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
    While the man detumesced
    She still spent on with zest,
Her rapture sheer anachronism.
%
A talented girl from Detroit
Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
    She could squeeze her vagina
    To a pin-point or finer
Or open it out like a quoit.
%
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
    While this worthy had fits
    The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
%
A teenage protester named Lil
Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
    First they bugged our martinis,
    Our bras and bikinis,
And now they are bugging the pill."
%
A thrice-married gal from L.A.
Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
    'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
    The voyeur only gawked at it,
And my most recent man's a gourmet."
%
A tidy young lady of Streator
Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
    She always would say,
    "I prefer it this way.
I think it is very much neater."
%
A timid young woman named Jane
Found parties a terrible strain;
    With movements uncertain
    She'd hide in a curtain
And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A tired young trollop of Nome
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
    Eight miners came screwing,
    But she said, "Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!"
%
A trapper named Francois Lefebvre
Once captured and buggered a beabvre.
    The result of this fuck
    Was a three titted duck,
A canoe, and an Irish retriebvre.
%
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
    Said the two to the tutor:
    "Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tutors to toot"
%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
    She found a good way
    To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
A vengeful technician named Schmitz
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
    He covered the platter
    With bats' fecal matter.
Now it's seek time is really the pits.
%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
    The system, you see,
    Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
    The system, you see,
    Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%
A very odd pair are the Pitts:
His balls are as large as her tits,
    Her tits are as large
    As an invasion barge--
Neither knows how the other cohabits.
%
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
    Said, "Heavens above!
    I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
%
A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
She used it for many a bunt.
    But the unlucky wench
    Got it caught in her trench ---
It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
To get the thing out of her cunt.
%
A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
    Too lazy to rape her,
    He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
%
A whimsical fellow named Bloch
Could beat the base drum with his cock.
    With a special erection
    He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
%
A wicked stone cutter named Cary
Drilled holes in divine statuary.
    With eyes full of malice
    He pulled out his phallus,
And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
%
A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
Had a hole as big as a basket.
    A spot, as a bride,
    In it now, you could hide,
And include with your luggage your mascot.
%
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
    When she clamored for more
    Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
%
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
    Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
    I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
%
A wonderful bird is the pelican.
His mouth can hold more than his belican.
    He can take in his beak
    Enough food for a week.
I'm darned if I know how the helican.
%
A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
    The hair on their balls
    Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't look at women, the meanies.
%
A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
    But when everything's cleared,
    He gives way to the weird,
As he lovingly busses each table.
%
A worn-out young husband named Lehr
Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
    "Slip on a sheath, quick,
    Then slip your big dick
Between these lips covered with hair."
%
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
    Said the doctor, a cynic,
    "Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
%
A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia :
    "Though the system seems odd,
     We are thankful that God
Developed the genus Mammalia."
%
A young fellow discovered through Freud
That although of penis devoid,
    He could practice coitus
    By eating a foetus,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
%
A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
    Her Romeo climbed,
    But he wasn't well timed,
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
%
A young lad named Lester McGraw
Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
    As he watched him stick her
    He said, with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than Paw."
%
A young lady sat by the sea,
Just as proper as proper could be.
    A young fellow goosed her,
    And roughly seduced her,
So she thanked him and went home to tea.
%
A young lady who lived by the Usk
Subsisted each day on a rusk;
    She ate the first bite
    Before it was light,
And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A young maiden from France was no prude,
She decided to dive in the nude,
    But her buddy, behind,
    Went out of his mind,
When he noticed where she was tatooed.
%
A young man by a girl was desired
To give her the thrills she required,
    But he died of old age
    Ere his cock could assuage
The volcanic desire it inspired.
%
A young man from the banks of the Po
Found his cock had elongated so,
    That when he'd pee
    It was never he
But only his neighbors who'd know.
%
A young man grew increasingly peaky
In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
    The ferns curled up brown,
    The ceilings flaked down,
And all of the faucets were leaky.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A young man maintained that his trigger
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
    But this long and thick pud
    Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.
%
A young man of acumen and daring,
Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
    Was left quite alone
    When it soon became known
That their use at his board was unsparing.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
While bent over plucking a dingle
    Had the whole of Eisteddfod
    Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.
%
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
    He slapped her behind
    And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
%
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
    In the midst of each chukker
    He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
%
A young systems programmer of Sprotic
Found his software intensely erotic.
    In jealous distress
    He wiped his OS.
It's possible that he's a psychotic.
%
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
    As she took down her panties
    She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
%
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
    Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
    Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."
%
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
    Says she, "You're in luck,
    He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
%
Aboard the good ship Venus,        The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
The mast it was a penis,        A cunning little nipper,
    Her figurehead                They filled his ass,
    A whore in bed,                With broken glass,
Good grief you should have seen us!    And circumcized the skipper.

The first mate's name was Higgins,    The captain's daughter Mabel,
And Higgins was a biggins,        They screwed when they were able,
    Once round the deck,            They nailed her tits,
    Twice up the mast,            Those nasty shits,
And the rest was used for riggins'!    Right to the captain's table.

The engineer's name was Carter,        The second mate's name was Andy,
And Carter was a farter,        By God, he was a dandy,
    When the wind wouldn't blow,        They broke his cock,
    And the ship couldn't go,        With chunks of rock,
Carter the farter would start her!    For conking in the brandy!
%
According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
    May frequently be
    Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
%
Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
    Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
    When he parted her thighs;
"Magnifique!  Pourtant pas de la guerre."
%
All the female apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
    But a friendly giraffe
    Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
%
An aesthete from South Carolina
Had a cock that tickled like China,
    But while shooting his load
    It cracked like old Spode,
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
%
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
    She will use her bare fist
    If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
%
An AI researcher named Bluth
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
    Eroticon VI,
    Which he taught certain tricks
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
%
An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
    But the poor little runt
    Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.
%
An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
    By seventeen sailors
    A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
%
An anonymous woman we knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
    When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
    She said, "Count me in
As soon as the service is through."
%
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
    Display for selection
    Three kinds of erection--
Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
%
An ardent young man named Magruder
Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
    She thought it quite lewd
    To be wooed in the nude,
But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
%
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
    Women are fine
    And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno."
%
An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
Had a fetish involving the net.
    As he fondled his IMP
    His cock went from limp
To as hard as concrete which has set.
%
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
    She was finally the prize
    Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
%
An artist who lived in Australia
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
    The drawing was fine,
    The colour -- divine,
The scent -- ah, that was a failia.
%
An eager young hacker named Gus
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
    The hardware went bad,
    But not the young lad
He didn't expect all that fuss!
%
An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
    Used on Saturday nights
    To turn down the lights,
And chase them around with a bludgeon.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
An envious girl named McMeanus
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
    It was small consolation
    That the rest of the nation
Of women were with her in weeness.
%
An exotic young lady named Suki
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
    When asked for a fuck
    She said, "Solly, no luck--
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
%
An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
    He lighted the hair
    Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
%
An impotent Scot named MacDougall
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
    He was gathering semen
    To gender a he-man,
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
%
An incautious young woman named Venn
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
    She vanished one day,
    But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
An indefatigable woman named Bavel
Had often occasion to travel;
    On the way she would sit
    And furiously knit,
And on the way back she'd unravel.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
An ingenious young man in South Bend
Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
    But the friend shortly found
    Its construction unsound,
It was simply a bother -- no end.
%
An innocent maiden named Herridge
Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
    When she later found out
    What her spouse was about,
She threw herself under a carriage.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
An inquisitive virgin named Dora
Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
    "Do you mean birds and bees
    Go through antics like these,
To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
%
An irate young lady named Booker
Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
    If you want it queer ways,
    Go to whores for your lays!"
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
%
An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
    This was not from compunction,
    But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
%
An old couple just at Shrovetide
Were having a piece -- when he died.
    The wife for a week
    Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.
%
An old electronic designer
Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
    He couldn't carry them out
    For his prick was too stout,
And too small was the minor's vagina.
%
An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
    But he was not removed
    Till one day it was proved
That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
An old maid who had a pet ape
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
    His red, hairy phallus
    So filled her with malice
That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
%
An old man at the Folies Bergere
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
    It snipped off a twat-curl
    From each new chorus girl,
And he had a wig made of the hair.
%
An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
    And between obbligatos
    He'd munch at tomatoes,
To keep up his strength while at work.
%
An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
    Her climatic fame spread
    With an ad blitz that said:
Coming soon at a theater near you!
%
An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
    Had sex, so I hear,
    Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.
%
And earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
    So he gave her a thwack,
    And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
%
And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
    When a chap took a crap
    In the woods, and a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
%
As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
    Since he thinks it's effete
    To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.
%
As he came in his chubby choirboy,
Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
    If no sodomy levens
    And possible heavens,
Existence will merely annoy."
%
As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
    I could not bear the loss,
    For with scarlet silk floss
My mama has embroidered their clocks."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
As tourists inspected the apse
An ominous series of raps
    Came from under the altar,
    Which caused some to falter
And others to shriek and collapse.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
    I screw a young nun
    In the eastertide sun?"
His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
%
At a contest for farting in Butte
One lady's exertion was cute :
    It won the diploma
    For fetid aroma,
And three judges were felled by the brute.
%
At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
    Letting all comers press
    Through the skirt of her dress
And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
%
At the end of all civilization
Is the planet Terminus's location.
    There's a girl there whose feat,
    Without stone or concrete,
Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
%
At the moment Japan declared war
A sailor was fucking a whore.
    He said, "After this poke
    `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
This means months 'til I get back ashore."
%
At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
    It beats all night long
    A dirge on a gong
As it staggers about in the creepers.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
    Thanks to vulcanized aids,
    Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.
%
At whist drives and strawberry teas
Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
    But when she was alone
    She'd drink eau de cologne,
And weep from a sense of unease.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Augustus, for splashing his soup,
Was put for the night on the stoop;
    In the morning he'd not
    Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Back in the days of old Adam
The grass served as mattress for madam,
    And they spent the whole day
    On the sex that today
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
%
Conflicting research paradigms
Have legitimized various crimes.
    The worst we can see
    Is in psychology,
Measuring reaction times.
%
Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
    She went down on the gents,
    And pronged the girl's vents
With a clitoris reaching six inches.
%
De Hispanice puella verumque
Simplex oris verborumque
    Tulit potens vagina
    Hominum agmina
Iterum iterum iterumque.
%
Despising machines to a man,
The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
    And ride out by night
    In a sheeting of white
To lynch all the robots they can.
        -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
    The force of the blast
    Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
%
Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
    Just sit in the sand
    And do it by hand,
And buy bonds with the money you save.
%
Down by the old model T,
Where she first showed it to me.
    It was furry and black,
    And she called it a crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.
%
DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
    And by planned obsolescence,
    So controlled detumescence,
A poor man could not get a smell.
%
Each Friday his engines abort,
But Scotty is never caught short.
    He fills his machines
    With space-navy beans,
And farts the ship back into port.
%
Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
    I'd not mind that he speaks
    In gibbers and squeaks,
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
    Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
    Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
%
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
    The answer next day,
    Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
%
Exuberant Sue from Anjou
Found that fucking affected her hue.
    She presented to sight
    Nipples pink, bottom white;
But her asshole was purple and blue.
%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
    The strip revolved,
    The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%
Floating idly one day through the air,
A circus performer named Blair,
    Tied a sizeable rock,
    To the end of his cock,
And shattered a balcony chair.
%
Fond of equestrians, Mabel
Looked for true love in the stable.
    But she found the studs,
    For her were all duds,
Now she's out with the leg of a table.
%
For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
    He's endowed with a dong
    That is 12 inches long,
So he wedges his foot in the door.
%
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
    But the one remedy
    For contagious V.D.
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
    You have made much fine verse on
    Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
%
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
    Said the rector, "My gracious,
    Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
%
From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news;
    They've discovered a head
    In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
From the bathing machine came a din
As of jollification within;
    It was heard far and wide,
    And the incoming tide
Had a definite flavour of gin.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
    "Since dating Miss Baugh,
    My whole tongue has been raw--
It must have been something I ate."
%
Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
    It makes you sick, it makes you well,
    It turns your spine to fucking jell,
It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
%
Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
    But her genital area
    Is so vast it'll scareya,
And you venture inside at your peril.
%
God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
    We trust that the story
    Will end in God's glory
But at present, the other side's winning.
%
Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
Who came to Rumania's rescue?
    It's a wonderful thing
    To be under a king--
Is democracy better, I esk you?
%
Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
    Some people say,
    Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
%
Have you heard of the lady named Cox
Who had a capacious old box?
    When her lover was in place
    She said, "Please turn your face.
I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
%
Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
    How they lift the frock
    And tickle the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
%
Having made a remark rather coarse,
A young lady was seized with remorse;
    She fled from the room,
    And later, a groom
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
He dove down overweighted with lead.
Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
    He flapped and he flailed,
    Spit his hose and he wailed,
Swallowed water and found himself dead.
%
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
    Her husband said, "Vi,
    When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
%
He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
    Then his gargantuan pole in
    Her pink, tight, and swollen
Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
%
He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
    So he put Spanish fly
    In their pudding and pie
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
%
"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
    It's not that I funk
    At a mouthful of spunk,
But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
%
Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
    He would shoot through his rear
    Which made him dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
%
Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
Had morals the city might soften.
    So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
    Are you living in sin?"
Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
%
His shy bride admitted to Crandall
That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
    But a cock like his dick
    Gave her ten times the kick,
Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
%
I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
    I replied, "Simple shagging
    Without any wagging
Is only for screwing canoeing."
%
"I do love a lay every day,
So whenever you're coming this way
    Just phone in advance
    And I'll jerk off my pants,
And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
%
I know of a fortunate Hindu
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
    By the ladies he knows,
    Who are thrilled to the toes
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
%
I met a young man in Chungking
Who had a very long thing --
    But you'll guess my surprise
    When I found that its size
Just measured a third-finger ring!
%
I never had Miss Defauw,
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
    If she'd only said "No"
    When I wanted her so;
But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
%
I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
    She remarked with some gaiety,
    "Not bad for the laiety,
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
%
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
    Now I know the perfection
    Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%
I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
    Said I, "I'm no prude,
    So don't think me rude,
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
%
I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door,
    But this walking around
    Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
        -- Gelett Burgess
%
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
    I wonder can she tell
    That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?

My wife is just as nice as can be,
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
    For an afternoon of joy,
    Is hell on the old boy,
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
%
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
    She said it was crude
    To be wooed in the nude--
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
%
I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
    And in all my lewd life
    I've met none like your wife,
So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
%
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
    And a happy erection
    Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
%
If continence causes neurosis
And intercourse causes thrombosis
    I'd rather expire
    Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
%
If you find for your verse there's no call,
And you can't afford paper at all,
    For the true poet born,
    However forlorn,
There is always the lavat'ry wall.
%
If you're speaking of actions immoral
The how about giving the laurel
    To doughty Queen Esther,
    No three men could best her --
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
%
If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
Employ first-order predicate calculus.
    With sufficient formality,
    The sheerest banality,
Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
%
Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
    Il la mene chaque soir
    A son caveau noir
Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
    Il dit:"quant a' moi,
    Je deteste tous les trois,
Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
%
Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
    Dit-elle, "Arretez!
    J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
%
Il y avait une madame de Lahore
Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
    Mais la vagine tres forte,
    Toujours ouverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
%
In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
    His wife said, "Oh, stuff
    That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
%
In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
    But this lubricant lapse
    Isn't noticed, perhaps
Because nobody does in Duluth.
%
In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
    I was both proud and shy
    As he opened his fly
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.

Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
As it went in I made not a sound,
    The more that he shoved it
    The more that I loved it,
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
%
In my sweet little night gown of blue,
On the first night that I slept with you,
    I was both shy and scared
    As the bed was prepared,
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.

As we both watched the break of day,
And in peaceful submission I lay,
    You said you adored it
    But dammit, you tore it,
My sweet little night gown of blue.
%
In the case of a lady named Frost,
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
    It's the best part of valor
    To bugger the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
    He chuckled with mirth,
    For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
%
In the little French town of Le'Beau,
Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
    At a masquerade ball,
    Clad in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker house roll.
%
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
    A little brown spot
    With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.

I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
    She said it would do
    So we had a good screw        In the shade of the old apple tree
In the shade of the old apple tree.    I got all that was coming to me.
                        In the soft dewy grass
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee        I had a fine piece of ass
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.    From a maiden that was fine to see.
    Her ass it was fine
    But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
%
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
    One time in the grass
    I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
%
It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
    They sat in her Bentley,
    She fondled him gently,
And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
%
It takes little strain and no art
To bang out an echoing fart.
    The reaction is hearty
    When you fart at a party,
But the sensitive persons depart.
%
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time while enjoying a lass.
    When she used the word "Damn"
    He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
%
"Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
    I enjoyed the perfection
    Of an ideal connection --
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
%
Les salons de la ville de Trieste
Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
    Parmi les grandes chaises
    On cause des malaises,
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
    They usually have virgins,
    And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
    They usually have virgins,
    And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
    It grieves me to say,
    They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
%
Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
    If you want to get laid,
    Then we'll have to tribade!"
(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
%
McCoy's a seducer galore,
And of virgins he has quite a score.
    He tells them, "My dear,
    You're the Final Frontier,
Where man never has gone before."
%
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
    His idea of fun
    Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
%
Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
    When he's under the weather
    They can't get together,
So others get into her box.
%
`My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
    The ship was all white
    But it creaked in the night,
And the band, they did not know la java."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
    "Sure, please stick it in,
    Be it thick be it thin,
But if rough I won't do as a file."
%
Oden the bardling averred
His muse was the bum of a bird,
    And his Lesbian wife
    Would finger his fife
While Fisherwood waited as third.
%
Of his face she thought not very much,
But then, at the very first touch,
    Her attitude shifted --
    He was terribly gifted
At frigging and fucking and such.
%
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
He tried to make love to a puma.
    Seems the puma, in play,
    Tore his testes away --
An example of animal huma.
%
Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
    The poor wench doth stammer,
    "I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent."
%
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
    Not russian elite-
    She's eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.
%
On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
    "Aha!" said the mate,
    "That settles the fate
Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
%
On day a Monterey daughter
Did scuba down under the water.
    She later turned up
    The mom of a pup,
And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
%
On the breast of a lady named Gail,
Was tattooed the price of her tail.
    And on her behind,
    For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information -- in Braille.
%
On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
His girl got a yen for fellatio.
    As she sucked on his dingus
    He tried cunnilingus
But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
%
Once a young gay from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
    They argued all night
    Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
%
Once was a hooker named Gail,
Busted and sent-off to jail,
    She liked the jailer,
    He wanted to nail her,
So Gail made bail with her tail.
%
One evening a guru had coitus
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
    When asked what position
    He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "the lotus."
%
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
    Then she picked up his hat
    And realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
%
Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
Has invented a new kind of car.
    With a tank full of shit
    There's no stopping it --
For short trips, two poots take you far.
%
Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
    She declined and declined
    Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
%
Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
He announced as he folded with flair,
    "I had four of a kind,
    But those aces combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
%
Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
    At her first sight of one
    She started to run,
And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
%
Pour guerir un acces de fievre
Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
    Il le prit a son trou,
    Et fit faire un ragout
Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
    But the kid was so tight,
    And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
%
Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
For having it off with his Mater;
    Revenge Dad or not?
    That's the gist of the plot,
And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
        -- Stanley J. Sharpless
%
Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
    Dessine ingressus
    Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
%
Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
    Then slip in between,
    If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
%
Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
"This has been a most wonderful day.
    Three cherry tarts,
    At least twenty farts,
Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
%
Said a girl who upon her divan
Was attacked by a virile young man:
    "Such excess of passion
    Is quite out of fashion"
And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
"What care I for this shortage of gum?
    My favorite chew
    Is a condom or two,
With a goodly amount of fresh come."
%
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
    But a fullback from State
    Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
%
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
    "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
    And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
%
Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
Of all the girls that I've had,
    None gave me the thrill
    Of real rapture until
I learned how to be a tribade."
%
Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
To a sailor just off of a barge,
    "We have one girl that's dead,
    With a hole in her head--
Of course there's a slight extra charge."
%
Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
I'm simply too shy and afraid
    To take part in your pranks.
    But to show you my thanks,
I'd just love to become your first aide.
%
Said a pornographistic young poet
"Although I perhaps do not show it,
    My interest in sin
    Is wearing quite thin,
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
%
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
         "Try as hard as I can,
     I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
%
Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
    Uhura said, "No,
    At night that's not so--
He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
%
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
    Let _V be virginity
    Approaching infinity;
Let _P be a constant persuasion;

"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
    _N times into _V ...
    The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
%
Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
Is leading me straight to perdition;
    But I haven't the strength
    To go to the length
Of making an act of contrition."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Said President Jobcock one day :
"War's better than love, I should say.
    Instead of a virgin,
    It's murder I'm urgin'--
You get lots more blood that-a-way."
%
Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
"Only infidel dogs put it in.
    Back home in Arabia
    We nibble the labia
Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
%
Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
    "This nautch is delicious,
     And without doubt nutritious.
She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
%
Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
    I replied with some wit,
    "Do you belch when you shit?"
I think that was one up for me.
%
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
    For the vicar is slicker,
    And thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
%
Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
That he'd had all the heavenly host :
    The Father and Son,
    And then - just for fun -
The hole in the Holy Ghost.
%
Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
    To a muffer's delight,
    I'll take head on a flight,
So the guy can have pie in the sky."
%
She begged and she pleaded for more.
I said, "We've already had four,
    And I'm sure that you've heard,
    Though it's somewhat absurd,
That eros spelt backwards is sore."
%
She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
    When she poked it inside her
    She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
%
She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
And begged for a bang : goodness knows
    I am surely impure
    And I sizzled to scrure,
But the push had gone out of my hose.
%
She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
    Now she's lying in the grass,
    With the muffler up her ass,
And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
%
She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
    But she knew, just before
    She opened the door,
This same Mr. had kr. sr.
%
She wasn't what one could call pretty
And other girls offered her pity,
    So nobody guessed
    That her Wasserman test
Involved half the men in the city.
%
Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
I'm agog with excitement today!
    And the reason of course,
    A reliable source,
Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
%
Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
    Plus the yen, but the men
    Only call now and then--
Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
%
"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
    He pulled it on out,
    But she started to pout,
His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
%
So here was this fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
    Anemic, 'tis true,
    But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
%
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

    There once was a man from Nantucket!
    Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
        He said with a grin,
        As he wiped off his chin,
    If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!

So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

    There once was a young man from Boston!
    Who drove around town in an Austin!
        There was room for his ass,
        And a gallon of gas,
    So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
%
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

    There once was a man from Racine!
    Who invented a screwing machine!
        Both concave and convex,
        It could please either sex,
    But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

    One night a girl had an affair!
    With a fellow all covered with hair!
        His enormous red whang,
        Gave her a wonderful bang --
    She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
%
Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
Drank up several bottles of sherry;
    In the Yard around three
    They were shrieking with glee:
"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
She obliges all who accost her.
    She welcomes the prick
    Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
%
That Harvard don down at El Djim --
Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
    With the whole harem randy,
    The sheik himself handy,
To muss up a young camel's quim.
%
That naughty old Sappho of Greece
Said: "What I prefer to a piece
    Is to have my pudenda
    Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece."
%
The acrobats -- Tom and Louise --
Do an act in the nude on their knees.
    They crawl down the aisle
    While screwing dog-style,
As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
%
The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
Fell into the water baptismal;
    Ere they'd gathered its plight,
    It had sunk out of sight,
For the depth of the font was abysmal.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
They have kept me awake for a week.
    Why do newlyweds
    Select squeaky beds
To develop their fucking technique?
%
The bishop of Alexandretta
Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
    So he thought he'd enshrine her
    As the Holy Vagina
In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
%
The bustard's a remarkable fowl
With surely no reason to growl
    He escapes what would be
    Illegitimacy
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
%
The cruelest of creatures' the crab
With claws that can pinch you or stab,
    And then when you dine
    On crab and white wine
It gets you as well with the tab.
%
The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout;
    She found strength to say
    As they bore her away:
"I should never have taken the trout."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
The Enterprise crew when off work
Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
    Uhura the Zulu
    Is shcked up with Sulu,
And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
%
The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
Have chased Spock for several years.
    His look of disdain
    Has spared them great pain,
For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
%
The fearless old bishop of Brest
Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
    He fucked whores in the apse
    With chancres and claps,
But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
%
The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
Came to light with its face in its belly;
    Her second was born
    With a hump and a horn,
And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
The genital area of Ann
Will accommodate any size man,
    From the wee that cause titters
    To the mighty twat-splitters
That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
%
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
    I'm covered with sweat,
    And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
%
The Grecians were famed for fine art,
And buildings and stonework so smart.
    They distinguished with poise
    The men from the boys,
And used crowbars to keep them apart.
%
The King named Oedipus Rex
Who started this fuss about sex
    Put the world to great pains
    By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother's pubex.
%
The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
    And cried, "Oh, my dear,
    I am coming, I fear,
But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
%
The kings of Peru were the Incas,
Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
    They worshipped the sun
    And had lots of fun,
But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
%
The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
    Where ten thousand virgins
    Succumbed to his urgin's
There now stands the great State of Utah.
%
The latest reports from Good Hope
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
    And fuck high, wide, and free,
    From the top of one tree
To the top of the next -- what a scope!
%
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
    Or she sneaks to the slums
    And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
        -- Morris Bishop
%
The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
    Once Congress in session,
    Declared its suppression,
But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
%
The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
    A demon for semen,
    This buffersome he-man
Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
%
The moyel who treated young Alec
Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
    Presented the child
    His aim was so wild
He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
%
The new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super-sensorium,
    But a highly effectual
    Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
%
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
    This embarassed her lover
    Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
%
The notorious Duchess of Peels
Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
    Said she, "Would you mind? --
    Shove one up my behind.
I am anxious to know how it feels."
%
The office brown-noser named Bunky
Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
    But when the chips were all down,
    His proboscis was brown,
And there hung many strands which were gunky.
%
The old archeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
    He knew from its bend
    And the knot on the end,
'Twas the penis of Paul the Apostle.
%
The once was a man from Bombay
Who modeled his cunts out of clay
    So hot was his prick
    That he turned them to brick
And rubbed all his foreskin away.
%
The partition of Vavasour Scowles
Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
    In a firkin; his brain
    Was found clogging a drain,
And his toes were inside of some towels.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
The prick of the engineer, Scott,
Fell off from Saturnian rot.
    He went to the basement
    And made a replacement
Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
%
The randy old Bey of Algiers
Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
    Tried a cunt for a change,
    And remarked : "It felt strange ...
Just think what I've missed all these years!"
%
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a girl a most elegant creature.
    So she laid on her back
    And, exposing her crack,
Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
%
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
    The hen, pleased with that,
    Laid an egg in his hat --
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
        -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
The Shah of the Empire of Persia
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
    When the nautch asked the Shah,
    "Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
%
The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
At breakfast with horrid dismay,
    So he launched off the spoons
    The pits from his prunes
At their heads as they neared the buffet.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
    That when posed on her toes
    She elaborately shows
Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
%
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
    He was lame but he came
    With his dame like a flame --
A discharge is a wondeful thing.
%
The star of that X-rated hit
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
    This serves as a palace
    For each turgid phallus--
Some say that the plot is pure shit.
%
The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
    He caught a big mouse
    Which he loosed in the house.
(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
%
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
    "For the semen must not
    Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
%
The wife of young Richard of Limerick
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
    Still grows in diameter
    Each time that you ram at her;
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
%
The woman who lives on the moon
Is still cherishing the balloon
    Of an earthling who'd come
    And given her some,
But had dribbled away all too soon.
%
The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
Is not merely reading a meter.
    By orders of Kirk
    A part of his work
Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
%
The world is so full of a number of things,
I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
    I'll tell you a story--
    It won't take me long--
Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.

There was an old fellow and what do you think?
He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
    He whacked it, he hacked it,
    He ate it with glee-
Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?

This charming old chap had a sister as well :
She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
    Her cunt was so dirty
    It stank like a beast,
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.

What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
    Their odor and diet
    Won't soon be forgotton,
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
%
There a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
    At the height of orgasm
    Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
%
There are some things we mustn't expose,
So we hide them away in our clothes.
    Oh, it's shocking to stare
    At what's certainly there--
But why this is so, heaven knows.
%
There is a young faggot named Mose
Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
    And you'll double the joy
    Of this lecherous boy
If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
%
There is a young lady named Aird,
Whose bottom is always kept bared.
    When asked why she pouts,
    She says "The Boy Scouts,
All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
%
There once was a bishop from Birmingham
Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
    As they knelt on the hassock
    He lifted his cassock
And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
%
There once was a boy named Carruthers
Who was busily fucking his mother
    "I know it's a sin,"
    He said, shoving it in,
"But it's better than blowing my brother."
%
There once was a chick named Longet,
Who went out to Aspen to play.
    Along came a Spyder,
    Who sat down beside her
And she blew the poor bastard away.
%
There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her,
    Till she found that its dong
    Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.

She married a fellow named Tony
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
    Said he, "What's it got,
    My dear, that I've not?"
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
%
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
    Because in their haste
    They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
%
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
    In a fit of depravity
    He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
%
There once was a Duchess of Beever
Who slept with her golden retriever.
    Said the potted old Duke :
    "Such tricks make me puke!
Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
%
There once was a Duchess of Bruges
Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
    Said the king to this dame
    As he thunderously came:
"Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"
%
There once was a fairy named Avers
Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
    Though buggers all claimed
    That their asses were maimed,
Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
%
There once was a fellow named Bob
Who in sexual ways was a snob.
    One day he was swimmin'
    With twelve naked women
And deserted them all for a gob.
%
There once was a fellow named Brewster
Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
    "It used to be grand
    But look at my hand
You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
%
There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
    While grabbing some ass,
    He reached critical mass,
But think of the girl he deflowered!
%
There once was a fellow named Potts
Who was prone to having the trots
    But his humble abode
    Was without a commode
So his carpet was covered with spots.
%
There once was a fellow named Siegel
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
    But the mettlesome bitch
    Turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
%
There once was a fellow named Sweeney
Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
    Not being uncouth,
    He added vermouth
And slipped his amour a martini.
%
There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
    He'd yip and he'd yap,
    Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
%
There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
    A buck for a fuck,
    Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
%
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
    A virgin named Joan
    From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
%
There once was a gangster named Brown
-- the sneakiest bastard in town.
    He was caught by G-men
    Shooting his semen
Where the cops would slip and fall down.
%
There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
    Sheep are just fine,
    Chickens, divine,
But iguanas are Numero Uno."
%
There once was a gay young Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
    And the girl of his choice
    Could hardly rejoice
At the horrible lack of precision.
%
There once was a girl from Cornell
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
    When you touched them they shrunk,
    Except when she was drunk,
And then they got bigger than hell.
%
There once was a girl from Decatur,
Who got laid by a big alligator.
    Now nobody knew
    The result of that screw,
'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
%
There once was a girl from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass --
    It was not round and pink
    (As you bastards think)
But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
%
There once was a girl from Spokane,
Went to bed with a one-legged man.
    She said, "I know you--
    You've really got two!
Why didn't you say so when we began?"
%
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
    But she started absorbin'
    A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
%
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
    But she started absorbin'
    A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
%
There once was a girl named Louise
Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
    The crabs in her twat
    Tied the hairs in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze
%
There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
    She was rogered by scores
    Who'd been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
%
There once was a girl named Priscilla
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
    The taste was so fine
    Man and beast stood in line
(Including a stud armadilla).
%
There once was a girl so lovely,
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
    She strapped on her tanks,
    And started her pranks,
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
%
There once was a golfer named Leer,
Who got put in the clink for a year,
    For an action obscene,
    On the very first green.
Where the sign said "Enter course here."
%
There once was a gouty old colonel
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
    And he cried in his tiffin
    For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.
%
There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
    But when I meet boys,
    God! how I enjoys
Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
%
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
    So he built him some chicks,
    Of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
%
There once was a handsome young seaman
Who with ladies was really a demon.
    In peace or in war,
    At sea or on shore,
He could certainly dish out the semen.
%
There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
    She would use with delight
    All day long and all night -
Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
%
There once was a horse named Lily
Whose dingus was really a dilly.
    It was vaginoid duply,
    And labial quadruply --
In fact, he was really a filly.
%
There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
    Every time he got hot
    He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
%
There once was a jolly old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
    He took down her pants,
    Fucked her into a trance,
And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
%
There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
    As he saw him stick 'er,
    He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."
%
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
    One was even so brave
    As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%
There once was a lady from Kansas
Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
    It was nine inches deep
    And the sides were quite steep --
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
%
There once was a lady named Carter,
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
    She stripped off his pants,
    At his prick quickly glanced,
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
%
There once was a lady named Clair,
Who posessed a magnificent pair.
    Or that's what I thought,
    Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.
%
There once was a lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
    She had crabs, so they say,
    In a year and a day
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
%
There once was a lawyer named Rex
With minuscule organs of sex.
    Arraigned for exposure,
    He maintained with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."

    [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things.  Ed.]
%
There once was a lifeguard named Lee
Who rescued a girl from the sea
    She asked how to pay,
    And he said "Try this way,
Go down for the third time on me."
%
There once was a maid from Mobile
Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
    She only got thrills
    From pneumatic drills
And an off-centered emery wheel.
%
There once was a man from Bombay
He would do it all night and all day
    He soon became sore
    You shoulda' heard him roar
When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
%
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who used to beat off in the gutta
    The heat of the sun
    Affected his gun
And turned all his cream into butta!
%
There once was a man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
    He said "When I eat
    Either fish, foul or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick."
%
There once was a man from Exameter
Who had a prodigious diameter
    But it wasn't the size
    That brought forth the cries
'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
%
There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
    When they clanged together,
    They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
There once was a man from Nantee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
    The results were most horrid
    All ass and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee.
%
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
    His daughter, named Nan,
    Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

The pair of them went to Manhasset,
(Nan and the man with the asset.)
    Pa followed them there,
    But they left in a tear,
And as for the asset, Manhasset.

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
    Pa said to the man,
    "You're welcome to Nan."
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
%
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
    He said with a grin
    As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
%
There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
    Both concave and convex,
    It could please either sex,
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
%
There once was a man from Sandem
Who was making his girl on a tandem.
    At the peak of the make
    She jammed on the brake
And scattered his semen at random.
%
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it up to her kidney.
    But the man from Quebec
    Put it up to her neck;
He had a big one, now didn't he?
%
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
    Concave and convex
    It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
%
There once was a man named McGruder,
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
    But the girl thought it crude,
    To be wooed in the nude,
So McGru took an oar and subduder.
%
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
    So just to be couth
    He added vermouth
And slipped his best girl a martini.
%
There once was a man named Parridge
With peculiar views on marriage.
    He sucked off his brother,
    Fucked his own mother,
And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
%
There once was a man with a hernia
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
    When you work on my middle
    Be sure you don't fiddle
With things that do not concern ya."
%
There once was a member of Mensa
Who was a most excellent fencer.
    The sword that he used
    Was his -- (line is refused,
And has now been removed by the censor).
%
There once was a miner named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
    She was ugly as shit,
    And missing one tit,
But think of the money he saves.
%
There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was seized with a carnal desire
    And the primary cause
    Was the abbess's drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
%
There once was a newspaper vendor,
A person of dubious gender.
    He would charge one-and-two
    For permission to view
His remarkable double pudenda.
%
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
    Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
    I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, love, I know that, it's me."
%
There once was a pretty young Mrs.
Whose tearful but short story thrs.
    Her mind lost its grasp --
    Now she thinks she's an asp
And just sits in the corner and hrs.
%
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
    Till a prince from Peru
    Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
%
There once was a reverend at Kings
Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
    But his heart was on fire
    For a boy in the choir
Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
%
There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
    What they do to my wife --
    Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is they all do it well."
%
There once was a sailor named Gasted,
A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
    He could jerk himself off
    In a basket, aloft,
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
%
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
    It was not the size
    That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
    Yet the girls he would dazzle,
    And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
%
There once was a spaceman named Spock
Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
    A girl from Missouri
    Whose name was Uhura
Just fainted away from the shock.
%
There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
    The more he would screw
    The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
%
There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
Whose gender was kept in the dark.
    He/she/it said with a nod,
    "My ancestors were odd!"
Did Noah need two for the ark?
%
There once was a whore from Regina
Who had a stupendous vagina.
    To save herself time,
    She had six at a time,
And another one working behind her.
%
There once was a woman from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
    He said, "My dear Flo,
    Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
%
There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
    But he lurked in the ditches
    And diddled the bitches
Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
%
There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
    She was ugly and smelly,
    With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
%
There once was a young girl from Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
    She often said, "Shit!
    I'd give either tit
For a guy with equipment that matches."
%
There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove around town in an Austin,
    There was room for his ass,
    And a gallon of gas,
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
%
There once was a young man from France
Who waited ten years for his chance;
Then he muffed it...
%
There once was a young man from Yuma
Who attempted sex with a puma
    He gave up real quick
    Minus nose, toes, and prick
In obvious pain and ill huma.
%
There once was a young man from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
    Now his dry bleached bones lie,
    Under hot Asian skies,
'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
%
There once was a young man named Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
    He had a twin brother
    Who fell in another
And now they're interred side by side.
%
There once was a young man named Gene,
Who invented a screwing machine.
    Concave and convex,
    It served either sex,
And it played with itself inbetween.
%
There once was a young man named Lancelot
Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
    For when he should pass
    A desirable lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
%
There once was an Arpanet freak,
Who better response-time did seek.
    He searched coast to coast,
    For a reliable host,
Whose logger took less than a week.
%
There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
    It at last grew so small,
    He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
%
There once was an old man from Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
    It at last grew so small,
    He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
%
There once were two brothers named Luntz
Who buggered each other at once.
    When asked to account
    For this intricate mount,
They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
%
There once were two women from Birmingham.
And this is the story concerning 'em.
    They lifted the frock
    And fondled the cock
Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
%
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
    Till a Spanish grandee,
    Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
%
There was a family named Doe,
An ideal family to know.
    As father screwed mother,
    She said, "You're heavier than brother."
And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
%
There was a fat lady of China
Who'd a really enormous vagina,
    And when she was dead
    They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
%
There was a fat man from Rangoon
Whose prick was much like a ballon.
    He tried hard to ride her
    And when finally inside her
She thought she was pregnant too soon.
%
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
    That in spite of high station,
    Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
%
There was a gay dog from Ontario
Who fancied himself a Lothario.
    At a wench's glance
    He'd snatch off his pants
And make for her Mons Venerio.
%
There was a gay parson of Norton
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
    To make up for this loss,
    He had balls like a horse,
And never spent less than a quartern.
%
There was a gay parson of Tooting
Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
    Till he married a lass
    With a face like my arse,
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
%
There was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
    The miller's son Jack
    Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
%
There was a lewd fellow named Duff
Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
    With his head in a whirl
    He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
%
There was a man from Mich.
Who used to wish and wich.
    That spring would come
    So he could bum
Around and go out fich.
%
There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
    But as he grew older
    His technique grew bolder,
And in concert jacked off with his fist.
%
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
    Fur-lined it all round,
    Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
%
There was a strong man of Drumrig
Who one day did seven times frig.
    He buggered three sailors,
    Four dogs and two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.
%
There was a teenager named Donna
Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
    Two days out of three
    She would shoot LSD,
And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
%
There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
    When comment arose
    On the state of her clothes
She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
%
There was a young blade from South Greece
Whose bush did so greatly increase
    That before he could shack
    He must hunt needle in stack.
'Twas as bad as being obese.
%
There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
    Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
    Why, you've only felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
%
There was a young bride, a Canuck,
Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
    You say that I, maybe,
    Can have my first baby--
Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
%
There was a young chap in Arabia
Who courted a widow named Fabia.
    "Yes, my tongue is as long
     As the average man's dong,"
He said, licking the lips of her labia.
%
There was a young cook with the art
Of making a delicious tart
    With a handful of shit,
    Some snot and some spit,
And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
%
There was a young curate whose brain
Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
    He lured a small child
    To a copse dark and wild,
Where he beat it to death with his cane.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
    He yelled, "My God!  what
    Do you call this -- a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
%
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
    Said she, "Your pee-pee
    Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
%
There was a young fellow called Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
    He had a twin brother
    Who fell in another
So now they're interred side by side.
%
There was a young fellow from Cal.,
In bed with a passionate gal.
    He leapt from the bed,
    To the toilet he sped;
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
%
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
    When they got into bed
    He cried, "God strike me dead!
This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
%
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
    To save himself trouble
    He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
%
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
    Great tufts of grass
    Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
%
There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
    Said the damsel demure,
    "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
%
There was a young fellow name Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
    Said, "Don't bow out your lips
    Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
%
There was a young fellow named Ades
Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
    But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
    And the knot holes in doors
Were by no means exempt from his raids.
%
There was a young fellow named Babbitt
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
    But a girl from Johore
    Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.
%
There was a young fellow named Bill,
Who took an atomic pill,
    His navel corroded,
    His asshole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
%
There was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
    She was ugly and smelly
    With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
%
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
    For even with Venus
    His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
               h
               i
               s
               .
%
There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
    It grew so tremendous,
    So long and so pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
%
There was a young fellow named Brewer
Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
    Thus he, the poor soul,
    Could get into her hole,
And still not be able to screw her!
%
There was a young fellow named Case
Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
    He licked his way clean
    Through Number thirteen,
But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
%
There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
    Said she, "I don't mind,
    And higher up you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
%
There was a young fellow named Cribbs
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
    They were inches apart,
    And to suck it took art,
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
%
There was a young fellow named Dick
Who had a magnificent prick.
    It was shaped like a prism
    And shot so much gism
It made every cocksucker sick.
%
There was a young fellow named Feeney
Whose girl was a terrible meany.
    The hatch of her snatch
    Had a catch that would latch
-- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
%
There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
Was reputed an infamous lecher.
    When he'd take on a whore
    She'd need a rebore,
And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
%
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
    For he had an aversion
    To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.

Well, one year the poor woman struck,
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
    And said, "Where have you gotten us
    With your goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?

"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
And a versatile girl she was, too.
    After ten years of whoredom
    She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you!"
%
There was a young fellow named Gene
Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
    He next picked his toes,
    And lastly his nose,
And he never did wash in between.
%
There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
    Though he petted and wooed,
    When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
%
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
    If he found himself nude
    With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?
%
There was a young fellow named Grant
Who was made like the sensitive plant.
    When they asked "Do you fuck?"
    He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could, but I can't."
%
There was a young fellow named Grimes
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
    In the course of a week --
    And this isn't to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes.
%
There was a young fellow named Harry,
Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
    He grabbed him a virgin,
    Who, without any urgin',
Immediately spread like a fairy.
%
There was a young fellow named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach.
    He said: "It's not fussy
    Like Brahms and Debussy;
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
%
There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
    But fragile and slender,
    And dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
%
There was a young fellow named Meek
Who invented a lingual technique.
    It drove women frantic,
    And made them romantic,
And wore all the hair off his cheek.
%
There was a young fellow named Morgan
Who possessed an unusual organ:
    The end of his dong,
    Which was nine inches long,
Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
%
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
    But the size of my prick
    Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
%
There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
    He would finger or fuck one,
    But never would suck one--
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
%
There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
    He had virgins and boys
    And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
%
There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
    His wife found she needed
    A Fuckoscope -- she did --
To see if he'd gotten it in.
%
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
    At a quarter to nine,
    They sat down to dine,
At twenty to ten it was in her.
The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.

There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
    At a quarter to nine,
    They sat down to dine,
And at twenty to ten it was up her.
Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
%
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
    The hatch of her snatch,
    Had a catch that would latch,
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
%
There was a young fellow of Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
    But now that he's married he's
    Been using cantharides
And the root of their love is much firmer.
%
There was a young fellow of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
    He had such a tool
    It was wound on a spool,
And he reeled it out inich by inich.

But this tale has an unhappy finich,
For due to the sand in the spinach
    His ballocks grew rough
    And wrecked his wife's muff,
And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
%
There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
    He said to his tart,
    "How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."
%
There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
    So to save himself trouble
    He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
%
There was a young fellow of Mayence
Who fucked his own arse in defiance
    Not only of custom
    And morals, dad-bust him,
But of most of the known laws of science.
%
There was a young fellow of Perth
Whose balls were the finest on earth.
    They grew to such size
    That one won a prize,
And goodness knows what they were worth.
%
There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
    On the night of his wedding
    It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
%
There was a young fellow of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
    For he could by election
    Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
%
There was a young fellow whose dong
Was prodigiously massive and long.
    On each side of his whang
    Two testes did hang
That attracted a curious throng.
%
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
    A woman is fine,
    And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno."
%
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
    Said he with a grin,
    "Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
%
There was a young girl from Annista
Who dated a lecherous mister.
    He fondled her titty,
    Got one finger shitty,
Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
%
There was a young girl from Decatur
Who was raped by an alligator.
    But no one quite knew
    How she relished that screw,
For after he screwed her, he ate her.
%
There was a young girl from Dundee,
From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
    No one ate the nice fruit,
    To tell you the truth,
Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
%
There was a young girl from East Lynn
Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
    Had filled up her crack
    With hard-setting shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said, "You are utterly wrong
    To say my vagina
    Is the largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
    She said with a yell,
    As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
%
There was a young girl from Medina
Who could completely control her vagina.
    She could twist it around
    Like the cunts that are found
In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
%
There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
    A woodpecker or two
    Made the grade it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.

Till along came a man who presented
A tool that was strangely indented.
    With a dizzying twirl
    He punctured that girl,
And thus was the cork-screw invented.
%
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
    So she walked out her door
    With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.
%
There was a young girl from Samoa
Who pledged that no man would know her.
    One young fellow tried,
    But she wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
%
There was a young girl from Seattle,
Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
    But a bull from the South
    Shot a wad in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.
%
There was a young girl from Siam
Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
    "To seduce me, of course,
    You'll have to use force,
And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
%
There was a young girl from St. Cyr
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
    Her escort said, "Mable,
    Get up off the table;
That money's to pay for the beer."
%
There was a young girl from St. Paul
Who went to a newspaper ball.
    Her dress caught on fire
    And burnt her entire
Front page and sport section and all.
%
There was a young girl from the Bronix
Who had a vagina of onyx.
    She had so much `tsoris'
    With her clitoris,
She traded it in for a Packard.
%
There was a young girl from the coast
Who, just when she needed it most,
    Lost her Kotex and bled
    All over the bed,
And the head and the beard of her host.
%
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
    She didn't mind fucking,
    But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
%
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
    Though he diddled his best,
    And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
%
There was a young girl in Dakota
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
    "In addition to gas
    We are rationing ass,
And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
%
There was a young girl name McKnight
Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
    She came to in bed,
    With a split maidenhead--
That's the last time she ever was tight.
%
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
    But Pabst took a chance,
    Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
%
There was a young girl named Heather
Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
    She made a queer noise,
    Which attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.
%
There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
    But the size of her anus
    Was something quite heinous --
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
%
There was a young girl named O'Clare
Whose body was covered with hair.
    It was really quite fun
    To probe with one's gun,
For her quimmy might be anywhere.
%
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
    She got roars of applause
    When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
%
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
    She said, "It's a sin,
    But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
%
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
    She tickled the balls
    Of the men in the halls,
And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
%
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
    The miller's sun, Jack,
    Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
%
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
    From the love-making frock
    (With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
%
There was a young girl of Asturias
With a penchant for practices curious.
    She loved to bat rocks
    With her gentlemen's cocks --
A practice both rude and injurious.
%
There was a young girl of Batonger
who diddled herself with a conger,
    When asked how it feels
    To be pleasured by eels
She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
%
There was a young girl of Ca'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
    To the shock of the fucker
    "Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
%
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
    But it wasn't Jehovah
    That turned the girl over,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
    the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
%
There was a young girl of Cape Town
Who usually fucked with a clown.
    He taught her the trick
    Of sucking his prick,
And when it went up -- she went down.
%
There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
    She was fucked at the show
    In the twenty-third row,
And once more going home in the taxi.
%
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
    There was never a sound
    For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
%
There was a young girl of Des Moines
Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
    Till a guy from Hoboken
    Went and dropped in a token,
And now she rides free on the ferry.
%
There was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit:
    She could squeeze her vagina
    To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.

And she had a friend named Durand
Whose cock could contract or expand.
    He could diddle a midge
    Or the arch of a bridge --
Their performance together was grand!
%
There was a young girl of East Lynne
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
    Had filled up her crack,
    To the brim with shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
%
There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
    It really seems odd
    That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.
%
There was a young girl of LLewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
    They were big it is true,
    But her cunt was big too,
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
%
There was a young girl of Mobile,
Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
    To give her a thrill,
    Took a rotary drill,
Or a number nine emery wheel.
%
There was a young girl of Moline
Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
    She would work on a prick
    With every known trick,
And finish by winking it clean.
%
There was a young girl of Newcastle
Whose charms were declared universal.
    While one man in front
    Wired into her cunt,
Another was engaged at her arsehole.
%
There was a young girl of Pawtucket
Whose box was as big as a bucket.
    Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
    I'll have to wear boots,
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
%
There was a young girl of Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
    The passengers fucked her,
    Likewise the conductor,
While the driver shot off in his pants.
%
There was a young girl of Pitlochry
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
    She said, "Oh! You've come
    All over my bum;
This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
%
There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
    "Well, it has been great fun,"
    She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
%
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
    Till they found her in bed
    With her twat very red,
And the head of a kid just emergin'.
%
There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
    T'was fun in the breeding
    But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat.
%
There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
    When she sat on their lap
    She unbuttoned their flap,
And always had plenty to eat.
%
There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
    She said with a grin,
    "If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."
%
There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
    And they tickled so nice
    She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.

Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
    For according to rumor
    His tool had a tumor
And a fine row of warts down the middle.
%
There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
    The knob out in front
    Attracted foul cunt
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
%
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
    With a fifteen-inch peter,
    A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
%
There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
    Perceiving his error,
    The Rabbi in terror
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
%
There was a young lad -- name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
    His father said, "Durcan
    Stop jerkin' your gherkin
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%
There was a young lad from Nahant
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
    When asked, "Do you fuck?"
    He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could but I can't."
%
There was a young lad from Siam,
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
    He loved them real small,
    'Cause they're funner to ball,
So he went out and bought him a lamb!
%
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
    His father said, "Durcan!
    Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%
There was a young lad name of Ward
Who strung himself up with a cord
    Said he, of his work
    (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
"I am leaving because I am bored."
        - E.A. Guest
%
There was a young lad named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
    He made oodles of money
    By oozing pure honey
Every time he attempted to pee.
%
There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
    "I see," said the mate,
    "That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me."
%
There was a young lady called Ciss
Who went to the river to piss.
    A young man in a punt
    Put his hand on her cunt;
No wonder she thought it was bliss.
%
There was a young lady from Bangor
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
    She woke in dismay
    When she heard the mate say:
"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
%
There was a young lady from Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
    She went out one day
    In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
%
There was a young lady from Bristol
Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
    Said she, "It's all glass,
    And as round as my ass,"
And she farted as loud as a pistol.
%
There was a young lady from Brussels
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
    She could easily plex them
    And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
%
There was a young lady from Drew
Who ended her verse at line two.
%
There was a young lady from Dumfries
Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
    My navel's all bare,
    So stick it in there,
Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
%
There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
    One was even so brave
    As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
    While her lover lamented
    The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
%
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
    While her lover lamented
    The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
%
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
    But you knew from the view,
    As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
%
There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
    At the height of their passion
    He dealt her a ration
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
%
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
    She told her young man,
    "Get off the divan,
I think I've discovered one more way "
%
There was a young lady from Prentice
Who had an affair with a dentist.
    To make things easier
    He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
%
There was a young lady from Rheims
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
    A friend poked around
    And a fly-button found
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
%
There was a young lady from Rio
Who slept with the Fornier trio.
    As she dropped her panties
    She said, "No andanties
I want this allegro con brio."
%
There was a young lady from Siam
Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
    "You may kiss me of course,
    But you'll have to use force.
Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
%
There was a young lady from Spain
Who demurely undressed on a train.
    A helpful young porter
    Helped more than he orter,
And she promptly cried "Help me again"
%
There was a young lady from Spain
Who got sick as she rode on a train;
    Not once, but again,
    And again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.
%
There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
    But her cunt had a pucker
    That made the men fuck her,
Again, and again, and again.
%
There was a young lady from Troy
Had a moustache, just like a young boy
    Though it tickled to kiss
    'Twas a source of much bliss
When she used it to brush a man's toy.
%
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
    But a cynic named Boris
    Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
%
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling.
    She laid on her back
    And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.
%
There was a young lady from Wooster
Who complained that too many men gooster.
    So she traded her scanties
    For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
%
There was a young lady in Reno,
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
    But she lay on her back,
    And opened her crack,
So now she owns the Casino!
%
There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
    'Twas the common belief
    It was done for relief,
And not out of protestant malice.
%
There was a young lady named Astor
Who never let any get past her.
    She finally got plenty
    By stopping twenty,
Which certainly ought to last her.
%
There was a young lady named Banker,
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
    She woke in dismay,
    When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
%
There was a young lady named Blount
Who had a rectangular cunt.
    She learned for diversion
    Posterior perversion,
Since no one could fit here in front.
%
There was a young lady named Bower
Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
    But a poet from Perth
    Laid her flat on the earth,
And proceeded with penis to plough her.
%
There was a young lady named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
    And so deep and so wide,
    The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
%
There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
    She took off one day,
    In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
%
There was a young lady named Brook
Who never could learn how to cook.
    But on a divan
    She could please any man-
She knew every darn trick in the book!
%
There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
    Consented to fart
    The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
%
There was a young lady named Ciss
Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
    But she'll never restate,
    For a wheel off her skate
.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
%
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
    At least so I thought
    Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
%
There was a young lady named Dot
Whose cunt was so terribly hot
    That ten bishops of Rome
    And the Pope's private gnome
Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
%
There was a young lady named Duff
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
    In his haste to get in her
    One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
%
There was a young lady named Etta
Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
    Three reasons she had:
    To keep warm wasn't bad,
But the other two reasons were betta.
%
There was a young lady named Fleager
Who was terribly, terribly eager
    To be all the rage
    On the tragedy stage,
Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
    So they tried it all night,
    Till he got it just right...
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
%
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
    But when she was tight
    It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.
%
There was a young lady named Gilda
Who went on a date with a builder.
    He said that he would,
    And he could and he should,
And he did and it damn well near killed her.
%
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
    And then by six men,
    Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
%
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
    She replied to the chap,
    "I'll draw you a map,
Of where others have been to before ya."
%
There was a young lady named Grace
Who would not take a prick in her "place."
    Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
    She never would fuck it--
She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
%
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
    The dress caught on fire
    And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
%
There was a young lady named Hatch
Who would always come through in a scratch.
    If a guy wouldn't neck her,
    She'd grab up his pecker
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
%
There was a young lady named Mabel
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
    Then cry to her man,
    "Stuff in all you can --
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
%
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
    By coming out bare
    On the main village square
And frigging herself with a candle.
%
There was a young lady named Maud,
A terrible society fraud:
    In company, I'm told,
    She was distant and cold,
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
%
There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
    And she met a youg man
    Who fucked her and ran --
Now she goes to the park every day.
%
There was a young lady named Nance
Who learned about fucking in France,
    And when you'd insert it
    She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
And shoved it right back in your pants.
%
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
    They could tickle her twat
    Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.
%
There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom
    When she cried out for more
    Said a voice from the floor,
"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
%
There was a young lady named Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
    She had many friends
    Because of her ends,
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
%
There was a young lady named Rose
Who fainted whenever she chose;
    She did so one day
    While playing croquet,
But was quickly revived with a hose.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young lady named Rose
With erogenous zones in her toes.
    She remained onanistic
    Till a foot-fetishistic
Young man became one of her beaux.
%
There was a young lady named Schneider
Who often kept trysts with a spider.
    She found a strange bliss,
    In the hiss of her piss,
As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
%
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
    She said, "Try as I can
    I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
%
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
    For it tickled her bum
    And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
%
There was a young lady named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
    By thinking of Jesus;
    Contagious diseases;
And the bother of having a child.
%
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
    Said she with a frown,
    "I've been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden."
%
There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
    The sister would giggle
    And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
%
There was a young lady of Brabant
Who slept with an impotent savant.
    She admitted, "We shouldn't,
    But it turned out he couldn't-
So you can't say we have when we haven't."
%
There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
    A bobby said, "Whattum
    Magnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as he could.
%
There was a young lady of Carmia
Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
    At every cold snap
    She would climb in your lab,
So her little base burner could warm ya.
%
There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
    A man in a punt
    Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it were me.
%
There was a young lady of Dee
Whose hymen was split into three.
    And when she was diddled
    The middle string fiddled :
"Nearer My God To Thee."
%
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
    For whenever they'd start
    He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
%
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
    To cry, when you came,
    "Oh dear!  What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
%
There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling.
    Said she, "Dearest Jim,
    Take your hands off my quim;
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
%
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
    To her lover she said,
    As  they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
%
There was a young lady of Fez
Who was known to the public as "Jez."
    Jezebel was her name,
    Sucking cocks was the game
She excelled at (so everyone says).
%
There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
    The crabs, in a lump,
    Made tracks to her rump --
This passing parade did amaze her.
%
There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
    Till they found on the grass
    The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
%
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
    She wasn't much hurt,
    But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
%
There was a young lady of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
    When men asked her to dine,
    And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
%
There was a young lady of Lee
Who scrambled up into a tree,
    When she got there
    Her arsehole was bare,
And so was her C U N T.
%
There was a young lady of Lincoln
Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
    So she had a prick lent her
    Which turned it magenta,
This artful old lady of Lincoln.
%
There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
    And she often said, "Shit!
    Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
    When he'd fondle the thing
    It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

But whether these two ever met
Has not been recorded as yet,
    Still, it would be diverting
    To see him inserting
His whang while it sang a duet.
%
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
    She said to her beau
    "Just look at me, Joe!
I think I've discovered one more way!"
%
There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus was taken ill,
    So she called the conductor,
    Who got in and fucked her,
Which did more good than a pill.
%
There was a young lady of Spain
Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
    They did it again
    And again and again,
And again and again and again.
%
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
    On her knees every day
    To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
%
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
    My little brown jug
    Has need of a plug" --
And straightaway she started to peeling.
%
There was a young lady who said,
As her bridegroom got into the bed,
    "I'm tired of this stunt,
    That they do with one's cunt,
You can get up my bottom instead."
%
There was a young lady whose cunt
Could accomodate a small punt.
    Her mother said, "Annie,
    It matches your fanny,
Which never was that of a runt."
%
There was a young lady whose thighs,
When spread showed a slit of such size,
    And so deep and so wide,
    You could play cards inside,
Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
%
There was a young lass from Surat.
The cheeks of her ass were so fat
    That they had to be parted
    Whenever she farted,
And also whenever she shat.
%
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
    "They may tickle my chin,"
    She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
%
There was a young maiden from Osset
Whose quim was nine inches across it.
    Said a young man named Tong,
    With tool nine inches long,
"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
%
There was a young man from Bear Ridge
Who had strange ideas about marriage.
    He fucked his wife's mother
    And sucked off her brother
And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
%
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
    But the banister broke
    So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
%
There was a young man from Bengal
Who claimed he had only one ball,
    But two little bitches
    Pulled down this man's breeches
And proved he had nothing at all.
%
There was a young man from Biloxi
Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
    Drinking glass after glass,
    He would tune up his ass,
Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
%
There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
    But the heat of his prick
    Turned it into a brick
And rubbed all his foreskin away.
%
There was a young man from Boston
Who rode around in an Austin.
    There was room for his ass
    And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
%
There was a young man from Brazil,
And a lady who'd not take the pill,
    They lay on the sofa,
    And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
n~po_~{o[po     ~poz~pok~po\~{o
8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
%
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
    "If her Bartholin glands
    Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
%
There was a young man from Dallas
Who had an exceptional phallus.
    He couldn't find room
    In any girl's womb
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
%
There was a young man from Dundee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
    The results were quite horrid:
    All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.
%
There was a young man from East Lizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes
    One was so small
    It was no ball at all
The other was large and won prizes.
%
There was a young man from East Wubley
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
    Each quadruplicate shaft
    Had two balls hanging aft,
And the general effect was quite lovely.

There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
    A small one for sucking,
    A large one for fucking,
And a `boney' for beating a gong.
%
There was a young man from Glengozzle
Who found a remarkable fossil.
    He knew by the bend
    And the wart on the end,
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
%
There was a young man from Jodhpur
Who found he could easily cure
    His dread diabetes
    By eating a foetus
Served up in a sauce of manure.
%
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
    To save himself trouble
    He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
%
There was a young man from LeDoux,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Verdunne.

    [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
     is about some guy named Nero.  If anyone has a copy of it, please
     mail it to "fortune".  Ed.]
%
There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
    Said his girl with a laugh
    As she felt his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
%
There was a young man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
    It was almost as long,
    So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
%
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
    But he looked in the glass,
    And saw his own ass,
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
%
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
    He said with a grin,
    While wiping his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
%
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
    He said with a grin
    As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!"
%
There was a young man from Peru,
Who took a long trip by canoe.
    While staring at Venus,
    And rubbing his penis,
He wound up with a handful of goo.
%
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
    But he hadn't the knack,
    And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
%
There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
    Concave or convex,
    It served either sex,
But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
%
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who used to lament 'neath the moon
    That he had the luck
    To be born of a fuck
That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
%
There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis:
    Believe it or not,
    When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.
%
There was a young man from Seattle
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
    He said as he fuck-ed
    Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
%
There was a young man from Siam
Who said, "I go in with a wham,
    But I soon lose my starch
    Like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb."
%
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
    Till he grew such a passion
    For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
%
There was a young man from Stamboul
Who boasted so torrid a tool
    That each female crater
    Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
%
There was a young man from Tibet--
And this is the strangest one yet--
    Whose tool was so long,
    So pointed and strong,
He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
%
There was a young man in Havana,
Banged his girl on a player-piana.
    At the height of their fever
    Her ass hit the lever
And: yes, he has no banana.
%
There was a young man in Norway,
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
    But the air was so frigid
    It froze his cock rigid,
And all he could come was frappe.
%
There was a young man in the choir
Whose penis rose higher and higher,
    Till it reached such a height
    It was quite out of sight --
But of course you know I'm a liar.
%
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
    His wife was a bitch,
    Yeah, she threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket.
%
There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
    He said, "When I'm muddled
    My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws."
%
There was a young man named Knute
Who had warts all over his root.
    He put acid on these
    And now when he pees,
He fingers the thing like a flute.
%
There was a young man named Laplace
Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
    When they banged together
    They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
There was a young man named McNamiter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
    But it wasn't the size
    Gave the girls a surprise,
But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
There was a young man named Rex
Who really was small for his sex.
    When tried for exposure
    The judge's disclosure
Was "de minimus non curat lex."
%
There was a young man named Zerubbabel
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
    When they asked if his pleasure
    Was only half measure,
He replied, "That is highly improbable."
%
There was a young man named Zerubbabub
Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
    But the pride of his life
    Were the tits of his wife --
One real, and one India-rubber bub.
%
There was a young man of Arras
Who stretched himself out on the grass,
    And with no little trouble,
    He bent himself double,
And stuck his prick well up his ass.
%
There was a young man of Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
    He buggered a frog,
    Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
%
There was a young man of Belgrade
Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
    I will suck, without charge,
    Any cock, if it's large.
If it's small, I expect to be paid."
%
There was a young man of Belgrade
Who slept with a girl in the trade.
    She said to him, "Jack,
    Try the hole in the back;
The front one is badly decayed."
%
There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball,
    But two little bitches
    Unbuttoned his britches,
And found he had no balls at all.
%
There was a young man of Bombay
Who buggered his dad once a day.
    He said, "I like, rather,
    Fucking my father --
He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
%
There was a young man of Calcutta,
Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
    When he got to c-u,
    A pious Hindoo
Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
%
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
    And he wouldn't have been
    If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
%
There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
    It took forty-four draymen,
    A priest and three laymen
To carry them thither and thence.
%
There was a young man of Darjeeling
Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
    In the electric light socket,
    He'd put it and rock it--
Oh God!  What a wonderful feeling!
%
There was a young man of Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
    One was so small,
    It was nothing at all;
The other took numerous prizes.
%
There was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
    It would give me great bliss
    If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
%
There was a young man of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
    So long was his tool
    That it wound round a spool,
And he let it out inach by inach.
%
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
    Making love in a ditch
    To -- I won't say a bitch --
But a woman of no reputation.
%
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
    He not only fucked her,
    But buggered and sucked her--
And left her to pay for the room.
%
There was a young man of Khartoum,
The strength of whose balls was his doom.
    So strong was his shootin',
    The third law of Newton
Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
%
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
    The bannister broke,
    But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
%
There was a young man of Kutki
Who could blink himself off with one eye.
    For a while though, he pined,
    When his organ declined
To function, because of a stye.
%
There was a young man of Lahore
Whose prick was one inch and no more.
    It was all right for key-holes
    And little girl's pee-holes,
But not worth a damn with a whore.
%
There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
    When he wanted to sport
    He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.
%
There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
    When jangled together
    They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
There was a young man of Missouri
Who fucked with a terrible fury.
    Till hauled into court
    For his beastial sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
%
There was a young man of Natal
And Sue was the name of his gal.
    One day, north of Aden,
    He got his hard rod in,
And came clear up Suez Canal.
%
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
    Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
    Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow and I shall."
%
There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
    She took hold of Rover,
    And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
%
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
    "It's no use, my duck,
    Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
%
There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
    It was good for large whores,
    And for small dinosaurs,
And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
%
There was a young man of Seattle
Who bested a bull in a battle.
    With fire and gumption
    He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
%
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
    But the loyal hall porter
    Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
%
There was a young man of Tibet
-- And this is the strangest one yet --
    His prick was so long,
    And so pointed and strong,
He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
%
There was a young man of Toulouse
Who had a deficient prepuce,
    But the foreskin he lacked
    He made up in his sac;
The result was, his balls were too loose.
%
There was a young man who appeared
To his friends with a full growth of beard;
    They at once said, "Although
    We can't say why it's so,
The effect is uncommonly weird."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young man who said "God,
I find it exceedingly odd,
    That the willow oak tree
    Continues to be,
When there's no one about in the Quad."

"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
For I'm always about in the Quad;
    And that's why the tree,
    Continues to be,"
Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
%
There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
    She replied, "Yes, I do,
    But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
%
There was a young man with a prick
Which into his wife he would stick
    Every morning and night
    If it stood up all right --
Not a very remarkable trick.

His wife had a nice little cunt:
It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
    And with this she would fuck him,
    Though sometimes she'd suck him --
A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
%
There was a young man with one foot
Who had a very long root.
    If he used this peg
    As an extra leg
Is a question exceedingly moot.
%
There was a young man, name of Fred,
Who spent every Thursday in bed;
    He lay with his feet
    Outside of the sheet,
And the pillows on top of his head.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young man, name of Saul,
Who was able to bounce either ball,
    He could stretch them and snap them,
    And juggle and clap them,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
%
There was a young miss from Johore
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
    In a manner uncanny
    She'd wobble her fanny,
And drain your nuts dry to the core.
%
There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
    Till he did to a nun
    What shouldn't be done
And made her a mother superia'.
%
There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
    He said, "Pax vobiscum,
    Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
%
There was a young parson of Harwich,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
    She said, "No, you young goose,
    Just try self-abuse.
And the other we'll try after marriage."
%
There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
    Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
    That horse is a stallion --
This constitutes grounds for divorce."
%
There was a young person of Kent
Who was famous wherever he went.
    All the way through a fuck,
    He would quack like a duck,
And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
%
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
    She said, "Stop your plumbing,
    There's somebody coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
    When told this was so,
    He said, "Yes, I know,
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
        Last line that I can."
%
There was a young royal marine,
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
    When he reached the soprano
    Out came only guano
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
%
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
    She replied, "'Pon my soul,
    You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
%
There was a young sapphic named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
    Which she sucked, bit by bit,
    From her partner's warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.
%
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
    When they said, "Are you faint?"
    He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
%
There was a young soldier from Munich
Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
    And their chops girls would lick
    When they thought of his prick,
But alas! he was only a eunuch.
%
There was a young sportsman named Peel
Who went for a trip on his wheel;
    He pedalled for days
    Through crepuscular haze,
And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
    It had many odd uses,
    Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.
%
There was a young student from Yale
Who was getting his first piece of tail.
    He shoved in his pole,
    But in the wrong hole,
And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
%
There was a young tenor named Springer,
Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
    He hollered in pain,
    As they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer!"
%
There was a young trollop at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
    And on her behind,
    For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
%
There was a young whore from Kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
    She said with a grin,
    "If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
%
There was a young woman called Pearl
Who quite resembled a churl;
    When she asked a young man named Tex
    Whether he would like to have sex,
"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
%
There was a young woman from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the nude,
    But a man in a punt,
    Grabbed at her elbow,
And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
%
There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
    When it came to a test
    She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
%
There was a young woman named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
    She said, "I do this
    From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice."
%
There was a young woman named Ells
Who was subject to curious spells
    When got up very oddly,
    She'd cry out things ungodly
by the palms in expensive hotels.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young woman named Florence
Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
    But they found her in bed
    With her cunt flaming red,
And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
%
There was a young woman named Plunnery
Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
    Till one day unobservant,
    She blew up a servant,
And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young woman named Sutton
Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
    "My father preferred
    The last sheep in the herd --
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
%
There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
    Said she, "Does it itch?"
    "It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
%
There was a young woman of Condover
Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
    Her pussy was juicy,
    Her arse soft and goosey,
But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
%
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
    Having reasoned that candles
    Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.

Said another young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
    "A salami or wurst
    Is what I'd choose first --
With bologna you know you've been boffed."
%
There was a young woman whose stammer
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
    But they were not improved
    When her husband was moved
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young woman, quite handsome,
Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
    When she offered much gold
    For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
%
There was an old abbess quite shocked
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
    Said the abbess, "You nuns
    Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you're cocked."
%
There was an old bishop from Buckingham
Who fell in love with some oysters while shuckingham.
    His wife with distain
    Could scarcely restrain
That sprightly old bishop from fuckingham.
%
There was an old count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
    So, with great savoir-faire,
    She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
%
There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
    But so small was his tool
    He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.
%
There was an old fellow named Art
Who awoke with a horrible start,
    For down by his rump
    Was a generous lump
Of what should have been just a fart.
%
There was an old fellow named Skinner
Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
    But still, by and large,
    It would always discharge
Once he could just get it in her.
%
There was an old feminine blighter
Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
    She would cream her own pool
    While she sucked off his tool --
How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
%
There was an old gent from Kentuck
Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
    But he put it away
    For fear that one day
He might put it in and get stuck.
%
There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
    For half of that sum
    You could finger her bum--
A source of amusement to many.
%
There was an old harlot from Dijon
Who in her old age got religion.
    "When I'm dead & gone,"
     Said she, "I'll take on
The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
%
There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
    He said "I'll admit
    I'm a bit of a shit,
But look at the money I save."
%
There was an old lady of Bingly
Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
    I thought I had got
    A bloke for my twat,
But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
%
There was an old lady of Glascow,
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
    At nine-thirty, about,
    The lights all went out,
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
%
There was an old lady of Kewry
Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
    The `introitus vaginae',
    Was unnaturally tiny,
And the thought of it filled her with fury.
%
There was an old lady who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
    Then, calling the ploughman,
    She said, "Do it now, man!
Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
%
There was an old maid from Cape Cod
Who thought all good things came from god.
    But it wasn't the almighty
    Who lifted her nighty,
It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
%
There was an old man from Bengal
Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
    His favorite trick
    Was to stand on his dick
While he rolled around on one ball.
%
There was an old man from Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
    He fucked with his nose
    Or his fingers and toes
And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
%
There was an old man from Fort Drum
Whose son was incredibly dumb.
    When he urged him ahead,
    He went down instead,
For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
%
There was an old man of Alsace
Who played the trombone with his ass.
    He put in a trap
    To take out the crap,
But the vapors corroded the brass.
%
There was an old man of Brienz
The length of whose cock was immense:
    With one swerve he could plug
    A boy's bottom in Zug,
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
%
There was an old man of Cajon
Who never could get a good bone.
    With the aid of a gland
    It grew simply grand;
Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
%
There was an old man of Calcutta
Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
    But all he could see
    Was his wife's bare knee,
And the back of the bloke who was up her.
%
There was an old man of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
    When he got into bed,
    The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
%
There was an old man of Duddee
Who came home as drunk as could be.
    He wound up the clock
    With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
%
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
    He fucked with his nose
    And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
%
There was an old man of Hong Kong
Who never did anything wrong.
    He would lie on his back
    With his head in a sack
And secretly finger his dong.
%
There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
    When asked, "Does it hurt?"
    He relied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
        -- W.S. Gilbert
%
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
    So he wore the damn thing
    In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
%
There was an Old Man of the Mountain
Who frigged himself into a fountain
    Fifteen times had he spent,
    Still he wasn't content,
He simply got tired of the counting.
%
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
    When he got into bed,
    The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
%
There was an old man who said, "Tush!
My balls always hang in the brush,
    And I fumble about,
    Half in and half out,
With a pecker as limber as mush."
%
There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It is just what I feared!
    Two owls and a hen,
    Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard!"
%
There was an old person of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
    He explained, "I don't mind,
    For it's gentle and kind,
But I wish it had slightly less hair."
%
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
    He fell on his cutlass
    Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
%
There was an old satyr named Mack
Whose prick had a left handed tack.
    If the ladies he loves
    Don't spin when he shoves,
Their cervixes frequently crack.
%
There was an old Scot named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
    The object of rape
    Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
%
There was an old whore from Silesia
Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
    For a slight extra sum
    You can go up my bum
But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
%
There was an old whore in the Azores
Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
    Why the dogs in the street
    Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
%
There was an old woman of Ghent
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
    She got fucked so often
    At last she got rotten,
And didn't she stink when she spent.
%
There was once a mechanic named Bench
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
    With this vibrant device
    He could reach, in a trice,
The innermost parts of a wench.
%
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
    What they do to my wife--
    Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well.
%
There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fuxham,
    And when that game grows stale
    We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they suxham.
%
There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
    They lifted the frock
    And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
    So he took down their britches
    And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.

Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
    "The vicar is quicker
    And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
        -- Abuses of the Clergy
%
There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
    It's deep and it's wide,
    -- You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
%
There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
    But now--it's appallin'--
    My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
%
There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
Whose manners are odd and demanding.
    It's one of her jests
    To suck off her guests --
She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
%
There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
    But her cunt's got a pucker
    That's best not to fuck, or
When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
%
There's a rather odd couple in Herts
Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
    Their sex is in doubt
    For they're never without
Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
    In the shell Sue is great,
    But her boyfriend's irate,
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
%
There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
    In her striving to please,
    She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.
%
There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
    The seniors go round
    Hanging down to the ground,
And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
%
There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
Since his shocking perversions are various...
    He will bugger some lad
    With a dildo (the cad!)
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
%
There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
    When one pireg is shot,
    There's that alternate twat,
But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
%
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
    A fellow named Cheddar
    Had the brashness to wed her-
His chance of survival is slight.
%
There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
    But when you get there,
    And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.
%
They had come in the fugue to the stretto
When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
    Slipped forward and grabbed
    Her tresses and stabbed
Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
        -- Edward Gorey
%
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend even you.  So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:

    Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
    Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
        di-dah di-dah di-dah?
        Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
    Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
%
Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
Was to do what man normally does,
    She declared, "I'm a Soul--
    Not a sexual goal!"
So he shrugged and called someone who was.
%
Though most of the crewmen are whites,
Uhura has full equal rights.
    Her crewmates, you see,
    Love De-mo-cra-cy,
And the way that she fills out her tights.
%
Though the invalid Saint of Brac
Lay all of his life on his back,
    His wife got her share,
    And the pilgrims now stare
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
%
'Tis a custom in Castellamare
To fuck in the back of a lorry.
    The chassis and springs
    Are like woodwinds and strings
In the midst of a musical soiree.
%
To a weepy young woman in Thrums
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
    Of allowing your tears
    To fall into my ears -
I think they have rotted the drums."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
    He constructed a bed
    Out of tree trunks and said,
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
%
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
    She replied, "Why, you fool,
    With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
%
To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
"I trust you will show some forbearance.
    My sexual habits
    I picked up from rabbits,
And occasionally watching my parents."
%
To his bride said economist Fife :
"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
    We will salvage and freeze
    To resemble goat's cheese,
And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
%
To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
    Is your east tit the least bit
    The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
%
To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
    "Your mother's behaviour
    Gave pain to Our Saviour,
And that's why He made you a cripple."
        -- Edward Gorey
%
Two anglers were fishing off Wight
And his bobber was dipping all night.
    Murmured she, with a laugh,
    "It's ready to gaff,
But don't break your rod which is light."

A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
    And said, "Bother the fish!
    I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.

As two consular clerks in Madras
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
    "What a marvelous pole,"
    Said she, "but control
Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
%
Two eager young men from Cawnpore
Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
    But her partition split
    And the blood and the shit
Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
%
Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
    As they looked at their foreskins
    And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they'd both become hens.
%
Un moine au milieu de la messe        A monk in the middle of mass
S'eleva et cria en detresse;        Stood up and cried out in distress;
    "La vie religieuse,            "The religious life
    C'est sale et affreuse,"        Is dirty and horrid,"
Et se poignarda dans les fesses.    And stabbed himself in the ass.
        -- Edward Gorey
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Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
    Amusing himself
    By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
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Une joile epousetta a Tours
Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
    Mais le mari disait, "Non!
    De trop n'est pas bon!
Mon derriere exige du secours!"
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Visas erat: huic geminarum
Dispar modus testicularum:
    Minor haec nihili,
    Palma triplici,
Jam fecerat altera clarum.
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We dedicate this to the cunt,
The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
    All hail to the twat,
    Willing, thrilling, and hot,
That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
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We sailed on the good ship Venus,
My God, you should have seen us
    With a figurehead
    Of a whore in bed
And the mast an upright penis

The captain of the lugger
Was known as a filthy bugger
    Declared unfit
    To shovel shit
From one ship to another

The first mate's name was Cooper,
By god he was a trooper
    He jerked and jerked
    Until he worked
Himself into a stupor

The cabin boy was chipper,
A dandy little nipper
    He shoved cracked glass
    Inside his ass
And circumcised the skipper

The captain's wife was Charlotte,
Born and bred a harlot
    Her thighs at night
    Were lily white
By morning they were scarlet

The captain's youngest daughter
Slipped into the water
    Her plaintive squeals
    Announced that eels
Had found her sexual quarter

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
They turned the poor beast over
    And ground and ground
    That faithful hound
From Tenerief to Dover
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Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lads in his class
    He said, with a yawn,
    "Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."
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"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
"And told my wife to try it on top.
    She bounced for an hour,
    Till she ran out of power,
And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
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"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
    "'Twere better, perhaps,
    In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared."
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When he tried to inject his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
    As they strove in the dark
    She was heard to remark,
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
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When I was a baby, my penis
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
    But now 'this as red
    As her nipples instead--
All because of the feminie genus!
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When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
    "Was he modest or vain?"
    "Was he regal or plain?"
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
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When you fuck little Annie in Anza
You get a great bossom bonanza:
    Sucking Annie's soft tits
    Makes her throw fifty fits,
And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
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While his duchess lay practically dead,
The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
    "Can it be this is all?
    How puny! How small!
Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
        -- Edward Gorey
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While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
    She explained, "They are flat,
    But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
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While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
    She explained, "They are flat,
    But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
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While out on a date in his Fiat,
The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
    As he bent down to seek,
    She let out a shriek:
"That's not where it's likely to be at."
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While spending the winter at Pau
Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
    So the head-porter made her
    And the second-cook laid her;
The waiters were all hanging low.
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While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model reclined on a ladder.
    Her position to Titian
    Suggested coition,
So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
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While travelling in farthest Tibet,
Lord Irongate found cause to regret
    The buttered-up tea,
    A pain in his knee,
And the frivolous tourists he met.
        -- Edward Gorey
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Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
    You can't take your women
    Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
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With his penis in turgid erection,
And aimed at woman's mid-section,
    Man looks most uncouth
    In that Moment of Truth,
But she sheathes it with loving affection.
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You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
But dependent on men you must be:
    You'll need a him
    With a rod firm and trim,
To puggle your water-drains free!
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You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
    He buggers the choir
    As they sing "Ave Maria,"
And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
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Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
    If you'll come to my palace,
    I'll finger your phallus,
And then I shall blow on your flute."
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